I wrote this narrative for the Western Front a few years back. It's definitely some of my early work, but it speaks from experience and from the heart. What do you think?
Nothing can fill the void of losing someone. Each day seems like a struggle to get through. Breathing seems more like a chore than a natural function. A person's perspective and sense of reality are changed forever. Grief has the ability to put a dark cloud over every day in spite of what is going on around you. Holiday cheer turns into holiday depression when faced with past memories and their void for the present and future. Grief has the potential to consume a person, if he or she lets it.
Losing my older brother changed my life. Before he passed away two years ago, I led my life with different priorities. After he passed, life stopped. Doing things I used to love didn't have the same meaning to me anymore. Everything became tainted. I often felt guilty for being happy. My family wished it had been us instead of him. It seemed as if no other family we knew had experienced this type of loss.
I was often baffled by people leading their normal lives when my world was crumbling around me. It was even harder during the holidays.
Seeing my brother's empty chair at Christmas dinner was difficult. The gravity and permanence of his absence affected us during the holidays. The Christmas season can be a difficult time for any grieving person.
Waking up to a new morning with a fresh perspective is challenging at first. And waking up with another emotion besides utter depression is rare; though with time and courage, life can get easier.
There is light at the end of the dark tunnel of grief. Surrounding myself with friends, family and loved ones helped me replenish my attitude. My friends and my family saved me. Their love and support enabled me to process my grief in a loving environment. Support is important especially during the holidays. Having the ability to escape from the fog of depression for a couple of hours and spending time with friends gave me strength to smile. In my experience, laughing was the best medicine.
When dealing with the loss of a loved one, a supportive network of friends is imperative. Being able to openly express how I felt was freeing and helpful. Open discussions with other grieving family members allowed my family to normalize our feelings. Being able to rationalize emotions and know that others were experiencing the same feelings helped me to stabilize my own emotions. It's comforting to know others feel the same way.
It's hard to know how to act when you don't know the emotions your friend is feeling, but continue to reach out. Everybody grieves differently. For some, it is comforting for them and being a shoulder to cry on is necessary at first. It got awkward and discouraging when people started to tiptoe around the issue, like there was an elephant in the room that they were trying to avoid. They were afraid to say or do the wrong thing to unleash my grief or add to my depression. When I felt like my world was spinning out of control, it was stabilizing to be treated like nothing was wrong and to stay connected to my friends and family. The normalcy helped to make life seem less chaotic and allowed me to be more spontaneous.
Being a pillar of strength for other grieving family members is empowering. It helped me work through a lot of emotions when I would help comfort my family. Although it seems like my world was the one that was crashing down, my family's world was crashing down also. My family made the decision to donate to others in my brother's name during the holidays and on his birthday and to raise funds to support a local charity during the rest of the year. Selflessness can help bring some satisfaction and emotional support to the depressing holiday time.
Despite life seeming utterly hopeless, I felt thankful I was able to wake up to a new day. To this day I still take one day at a time. It helps to disentangle the much grander and inauspicious thought of life without my brother. The holiday season is a time for togetherness. In my experience, the same togetherness helped me make it past the pain of the holidays.
No comments:
Post a Comment